Tuesday, November 27, 2007

When Michael was a little under a year old he fell down the stairs to the basement. I managed to catch him midway, luckily, before he hit the cement floor below. He cried as I held him and called the doctor, then stopped crying and was fine. The nurse on call asked me questions about his reaction, his pupils, how he seemed. She deduced he would be okay and told me what to look out for over the next few hours. As usual, Michael was playing happily quickly thereafter and I never worried during his nap time. Almost 10 years later, and as memories fade from my mind, I will never forget that feeling of watching him fall down the stairs... the way time slowly froze frame by frame as his body bounced down the stairs. The feeling of helplessness and the wave of grief thinking he could die if he hit his head just so or cracked his neck. Almost 10 years later, and I can instantly recall that pit in my stomach.

Today I had it again. I was holding Brady, walking into the school for swimming with OT, when I stepped off the curb and fell. In the nanoseconds of going down, I was mindful of holding this little cherub in my left arm. I instantly tightened my grip and slowly watched the back of his head hit the pavement. It happened in such slow motion, I can't believe I couldn't stop it. He instantly started to cry, which relieved me immensely because this child never seems to cry when he should be hurt, I think. I was still on the ground trying to pick him up and waving to the grounds crew cleaning the leaves. One of the men waves back - and not until a few minutes later realize that I need help. One of the crew comes over and offers to bring me to the first aid station, but I pick Brady up and run inside to where the OT and lifeguard are. Tara, his OT, is looking at me, wondering what is wrong and jumps out of the pool. I am hysterical, although I was the only one - Brady is not crying anymore and is looking around, his face searching for the reason why he is not in the pool yet. Tara takes him and I start to calm down, and realize I am in pain. They send for a nurse, who examines Brady and says he looks fine - he got a couple prickly red spots and was starting to get a bump on the back of his head, but that was it. Of course, she checks my elbow and thinks I may need stitches, but after she. cleans it she states I could probably get away with not getting them. As the day goes on, I realize that my leg is scraped up pretty bad, my right hand has serious road burn on it, and my left elbow is allowing me no strength whatsoever - I am not even able to carry Brady to the car.

I called the pediatrician and told them I was coming right over since I was only a few minutes away. Of course, now Brady is getting cranky because not only did he not get to go swimming (which he loves) but now he is getting tired. Luckily, the doctor thought he was fine, told me what to look out for, and sent us on our way. Brady is fine. I, of course, am a mess. Physically my arm is killing me, and mentally I am exhausted over my petrified moment. Just like with Michael, all I could think of was Brady jumbling his brain. Someone my husband knows is in a coma right now after being punched in a fight and hitting the ground, so of course this is all I could think about.

Strangely enough, I have been concerned for awhile now that I would fall holding Brady. A premonition or have I been preoccupied with the thought that I caused it? Very strange. All I know is that once again, that pit in my stomach is there. That feeling of helplessness and despair, so overpowering that nothing can erase its memory. Yes, the angel sleeps now peacefully, as I go and watch him for a few minutes ....

11 comments:

Tara said...

Oh my goodness, sounds like you had quite a day. The pit in your stomach is such a horrible feeling - but obviously you did everything you could to protect Brady because you are the one so banged up. I do hope the soreness goes away soon....and hope Brady slept okay. It's amazing to me how it all seems to happen in such slow motion and it replays over and over in your mind. I hope your soreness goes away soon!
Tara

ps - I just read the other message you put on my blog. You don't worry a thing about what your first msg said - actually, I took to heart your advice about hosting some holidays at my house. Payton would adjust much easier that way.

Nancy said...

OMG. That's horrible! I'm glad Brady is okay but am so sorry about YOU!

I will never forget the day Erik twisted from his car seat as a tiny baby (he never did that before) while I turned to get something and ejected himself from the kitchen counter onto the floor. In the old days without genetic testing, I would have thought all of his problems stemmed from that awful fall. He could have died. I hold on very tightly to the lil guy these days.

Julie said...

I am glad Brady is okay. Isn't it funny how we totally forget about ourselves when we are worried about our children. I fell like that with lexi once. Smacked her head of the cement. She was fine, I was a wreck.

Penny said...

How scary....I hope you feel better soon and I do hope Brady is ok. I fell down 15 stairs holding Keith earlier this year and he is also fine and I was in the hospital for 3 days. Hopefully you can squeeze in a few hot baths for yourself.....

Ava Jewel Leilana said...

I am so glad Brady is alright. I know that pit, I can't even write about it cause just thinking about it is making me ill.
NOw that he is fine, you need to tend to you. Feel better soon!

Nicole said...

UGH, how awful Kerry! Thank goodness Brady is okay and now you can heal.

I worry a lot about lugging Emerson around. She is getting heavier and is still just kind of floppy. She doesn't help me when I'm holding her if that makes sense. Last week, I put her on the sidewalk and she was standing in her big puffy coat. In nano-seconds she fell over, didn't put her hands down and scraped up her upper lip and nose.

Katie said...

Oh Kerry, what a shock :(
That "pit in your stomach" feeling is one of the most awful there is.
I hope Brady had a good sleep and i hope your arm is ok! - Take care of yourself too.
xxoo

Michelle said...

It is such a helpless feeling watching your child fall, or falling with your child, and not being able to stop it. I'm glad Brady is ok, but have you gone to the dr for yourself? Sounds like your elbow is in pretty bad shape, maybe just bruised, but I hope it's not broken since you can't really use that arm! Hope you're feeling better!

Heather said...

Kerry, I'm glad Brady's fine.(and you too!) Must have been horrible.
Caleb fell down my steps head first and hit the wall at the bottom full force. He was okay. Then he ended up backig into an antique ice box with rounded corners and getting a BIG blood sack on his head. I mean his scalp was literally squishy to the touch. I was scared to death!
Hope your feeling better soon!

Every minute counts.... said...

Sounds like quite a day! i would freak out too and worry more about my kids being hurt than myself. I hope that your elbow feels better soon :)

Noel

Amy said...

Why is it always in slow motion and so vivid when these horrors happen?? Thankfully (I am learning) most kids can take the bumps, brushes and scrapes better than us. Sounds like Brady was more frightened than hurt, you it sounds like both!
XOXO
Amy